Je Ne Comprends Pas : Things that I Don’t Understand

This week’s post, as if you couldn’t already guess by the title, is about things that I don’t understand. Believe me, there’s a lot to list, but I’ve narrowed it down to a few.

1. Stainless steel. Stainless? Really? Either someone doesn’t understand what “stainless” means, or that person has a sick sense of humor. If it’s the second case, then I applaud you, sir/madam.

2. Weenie dogs. So long, so short, such tiny legs. I know that they were bred for flushing out and hunting burrowing animals. Still, they make no sense, and yet they’re adorable, which, again, makes no sense.

3. Why do you always wait two hours at the eye doctor? This doesn’t just happen one or two times, and it has happened at multiple ophthalmologists’ offices. The scheduling coordinator tells me that my appointment is at 8:45 a.m. Great. I show up at 8:45 a.m. I sit in the waiting room for two hours before I see the doctor. I want to ask, “What time is my 8:45 a.m. appointment?”

4. Making a stroke patient wait five hours for Aspirin at the emergency room when the emergency room only has the stroke patient and one other patient. Is there a trick to getting that Aspirin? Maybe the nurse has to come by and do a magic show. “Nothing up my sleeve . . . *poof* here’s your Aspirin.” Honestly, just tell me if it’s going to take that long. I don’t really need to know why. I just need to know if I should give up on you and walk a block to the CVS.

5. The word “denuded.” The prefix “de-” usually negates whatever the root word is in some way or indicates the removal of something. For instance, “declaw” means to get rid of the claws, and “dehumidify” means to remove moisture. However, “denude” means “to make bare; strip.” What?! But . . . but . . . but what about the prefix? “Denude” should mean to un-nude something—to make clothed or cover something up. Yet, it doesn’t. This is utter nonsense.

6. Duck mating. Whatever happened to dinner and a movie first?

7. Virgin shaming. There’s been a movement against shaming a person for how many people they’ve slept with. Cool. But, it’s still okay for people to shame others for how many people they haven’t slept with. Think about it, if a girl sleeps with a few people, much of the media says that she’s gotten in touch with her body and is simply exploring her sexuality. Essentially, she’s just being human. Right on. Now, how do we view a girl who hasn’t slept with anyone? Or, Heaven forbid, a male who hasn’t slept with anyone. My gosh, if a guy gets to age 25 without sleeping with anyone, many people look at him like, “What’s wrong with you, dude?” I’ve got an idea: how about we view both sides as lifestyle choices and not shame either for their choice. *sigh* I blame the MTV (that’s right, I used “the”).

8. Why the NCAA advertises March Madness on the channel it’s on and at the time I’m watching March Madness. I’m watching your show. Why are you advertising for your show on your channel at the time you’re showing the game? You make no sense.

9. Slate floors. Slate is rock. We moved from the outside to caves to fancy houses so we that we could get away from hard rock that hurts our feet. Now, people pay out the primordial butt for slate. Go figure.

10. Geese. How can they possibly poop that much?

11. Bigfoot’s existence. I really want to believe in a big, hairy biped roaming the forests of the Sierras. There’s one blaring question that makes me not understand how his existence is possible, though: where’s his poop? Everything poops (see #10), and Bigfoot is supposed to be giant, so his poop would probably be the size of Volkswagens. Yet, there are no Volkswagen-sized scats that have been found, at least to my knowledge. Could Bigfoot possibly have his own water-flow toilet that simply carries his excrement away and that’s why we can’t find it? If so, does it flow into our sewer lines? If it does use our sewer lines, wouldn’t that clog up our sewer system and alert us to his existence? Also, how big is that toilet and is it low-flow (Bigfoot would be environmentally-conscious, of course, so he would probably go with low-flow, I think)? There’s just so many unanswered questions. Where’s the poop, Bigfoot? Where’s the poop? (Kudos if you get this How I Met Your Mother reference.)

12. Guys wearing shorts and a short-sleeved shirt when it’s thirty degrees out. I see you shoving your hands in your pockets and stiffening your arms against your sides to keep in warmth. Your skin is so red with chill that it looks like your mama saw you walking in the cold, went up to you, and slapped you silly everywhere you’re showing skin. Why do you insist on freezing? I promise you, I won’t think that you’re any less manly if you wear a jacket. Heck, leather jackets can be very manly. Just ask the Fonz. Heyyy! (If you don’t get this last reference, you can read about the Fonz here.)

Well, that’s part of my very long list.  How about you guys? Anybody have something that they don’t understand?